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Better and Better
4 min read
For some reason, I thought I'd had a much more recent post than I did. It seems weird that it was 3 years ago that I last updated. And, from what I can see from that post, I made a lot of promises about art and activity that I wasn't able to keep. I sincerely apologize.
The symptoms from the previously mentioned conditions have slowly become manageable with time and practice. My hypothyroidism, with a long period of medication, has become level and productive and I no longer need to be medicated for it. This has been true for a couple of years now. PTSD and BPD are still an issue, but triggers and episodes are much further apart and less intense, with the exception of nightmares, which, unfortunately, seem to never stop. Pity the fool who loves me enough to sleep next to me. Lol Honestly, it doesn't bother me as much as it bothers me that my friends and lovers who see me sleep witness my distress. I have cut out wheat from my diet and lowered my sugar intake by about half. My soda intake fluctuates, but that has also lowered. This has resulted in a little weight loss, but that only happens when my stress levels are low.
Fibromyalgia is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with. Flares happen recurrently, but not as badly as they used to. Learning that things that hurt or are uncomfortable and have been my entire life.. I am learning don't hurt for other people. This is a harsh, unfair reality and, I admit it makes me angry sometimes. It's frustrating that I don't know what it's like to wash dishes without pain. That I don't know what it's like to feel the sun on my skin without a constant burn (and it takes a couple of hours for me to actually burn) is somewhat disheartening.
The boyfriend I mentioned last? Well, he is easily the reason I was never able to get back to doing artwork. I spent all of my time finding ways to cater to him, to the point that I had no time for myself, to even think. I grew in my mohawk and, much to his angry displeasure, shaved it again. I gave him all my money -- literally. I barely ate to suit his opinions of my eating habits. And I suffered the slow, inevitable result of depression. Luckily, I am not an idiot and, last year, I left him. That cloud of oppression seems far away now and I'm grateful.
I'm even more grateful for the man I found too irresistible to stop talking to back in January. He is a breath of fresh air. He is inspiring. He is kind and he is generous to a fault. He has been nothing but perfect since I first started talking to him. My cat, Chio, loves him more than she's loved anybody I've seen her around. Because of my David, I'm cooking again, I'm gluten-free again, I'm free to go places and do things, I have friends again, I get to see him perform (check out the Sweaty Palm Trees and Vida Mada, if you'd like!) which is new despite having dated a singer in the past, I get to play video games and watch him play, we watch scary movies... ...can life get better? It sure can. You don't have to believe me; just fucking watch.
And, if you don't believe me from the small bits of posting thus far this year, here comes the art.. !
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Living Life
3 min read
I keep checking back here from time to time and I realized my last two updates from four years ago are rather depressing and worrysome. I won't lie, things didn't get better. They got worse, a lot worse, before they got better. Liz left me, I moved into a new relationship almost immediately with an abusive man who didn't and couldn't realize he had a problem. My doctors medicated me to the point where I didn't care. I was doing nothing, I was thinking nothing and I didn't want to do anything about it.
Something had to give. So, I did. I gave up the medication. I talked to Richard, the boyfriend at the time (omg yes it was a MAN), about his issues. I gave up trying to get SSI and started looking for a job. I was diagnosed with quite a few things, including, but not limited to, hypothyroidism, borderline personality disorder, fibromyalgia and anemia. I also found out I'm allergic to a million things, including wheat and dogs. It didn't take long for Richard to dump me and it took me even less time to, per his advice, find someone new. This time, I didn't move in with the new boyfriend. I wanted my recovery to be mine, I wanted it to be my victory and I didn't want to share it with anyone else. He respected that... for a little while. I found a job after becoming homeless for a while, which was unpleasant, but doable. Then, Daniel let me go too. That was almost three months ago.
I'm still working with the aforementioned employer, although I am now waiting on my federal clearance so that I can keep said job, but one step at a time, right? I'm unmedicated, I'm employed, I'm independent, I'm living in an apartment and about to move into my own apartment, I'm studying for my permit, I'm working on repairing my laptop, I cut out wheat from my diet, I have a new boyfriend, I'm staying on top of my doctors and..
..I'm happier with myself and my life than I have been in a very, very long time. I hope this update was worth the 4 year wait, folks. I missed all of you.
Expect some truly terrible art soon. Cause it's coming. I've got the itch.
Something had to give. So, I did. I gave up the medication. I talked to Richard, the boyfriend at the time (omg yes it was a MAN), about his issues. I gave up trying to get SSI and started looking for a job. I was diagnosed with quite a few things, including, but not limited to, hypothyroidism, borderline personality disorder, fibromyalgia and anemia. I also found out I'm allergic to a million things, including wheat and dogs. It didn't take long for Richard to dump me and it took me even less time to, per his advice, find someone new. This time, I didn't move in with the new boyfriend. I wanted my recovery to be mine, I wanted it to be my victory and I didn't want to share it with anyone else. He respected that... for a little while. I found a job after becoming homeless for a while, which was unpleasant, but doable. Then, Daniel let me go too. That was almost three months ago.
I'm still working with the aforementioned employer, although I am now waiting on my federal clearance so that I can keep said job, but one step at a time, right? I'm unmedicated, I'm employed, I'm independent, I'm living in an apartment and about to move into my own apartment, I'm studying for my permit, I'm working on repairing my laptop, I cut out wheat from my diet, I have a new boyfriend, I'm staying on top of my doctors and..
..I'm happier with myself and my life than I have been in a very, very long time. I hope this update was worth the 4 year wait, folks. I missed all of you.
Expect some truly terrible art soon. Cause it's coming. I've got the itch.
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A Few Things
1 min read
Adding a few things here and there as I make them. Spending a lot of time sketching out my pixel art, as opposed to looking for a base I want. I kinda like it like that. Anyway. Slipping back into active RP. Also like that. Working a little. Like that too. Trying to be nicer to people. They seem to like that. Uploaded a few things. Y'all better like that. <3
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Made a decision
3 min read
I've been suffering from some depression that has made me feel mildly dramatic and completely snuffed my desire to be creative in the least [Health issues that have impaired my breathing ability have also affected me]. However, I miss my pixel art, I miss striving for the realism in anatomy and emotion with diligent pecks of mouse-clicking. I miss drowning any real feeling in the determination of finishing the cheekbones and sketching new poses.
I've been pixeling for what is coming up on ten years, now [I'll be up to 9 years in April]. When I began, I taught myself HTML, PHP, CSS and some JS [not all in that order], met friend upon friend in the pixel community [Thank you, Orathty] and discovered I could create things I was proud of. Four years into it, after some financial disappointments, I seemed to spiral downhill, taking longer and longer breaks from my bouts of creativity and all the while, a few things stayed the same.
First of all, I always improved. I always learned something new. I always developed a new technique and tried another. My colors always stayed bright, vivid and cheerful. And I always complained about how difficult it was to master the male form. I even got so carried away with avoiding having to deal with the [absolute] lack of curvature that is the stocky, squarish and aggressive form of the masculine body that I even [for the most part] stayed safely within the lines of my own lesbianism. My art became cultishly Dianic [religiously feminine] in almost every way.
And so, as time has passed and I've come closer to getting to see a therapist [ah, depression], my creativity has still been here, musing over the best way to get me so inspired as to be motivated to create again. And I have been inspired to make a decision.
I will master the male form. I will practice, I will pull my hair and I will make men look feminine over and over again until I can make them look like the hulking, sexy things that a majority of women see them as.
So, look for it. Look for the first piece, because I already have an idea spinning in the back of my stubborn brain.
As a side note, I miss you all, and although I won't return to deviantart, I will retain my website and update it when I finally succumb to the addiction of pixel art again.
Gentle Breezes & Uplifting Emotions,
Ali / Ubii / Ai
I've been pixeling for what is coming up on ten years, now [I'll be up to 9 years in April]. When I began, I taught myself HTML, PHP, CSS and some JS [not all in that order], met friend upon friend in the pixel community [Thank you, Orathty] and discovered I could create things I was proud of. Four years into it, after some financial disappointments, I seemed to spiral downhill, taking longer and longer breaks from my bouts of creativity and all the while, a few things stayed the same.
First of all, I always improved. I always learned something new. I always developed a new technique and tried another. My colors always stayed bright, vivid and cheerful. And I always complained about how difficult it was to master the male form. I even got so carried away with avoiding having to deal with the [absolute] lack of curvature that is the stocky, squarish and aggressive form of the masculine body that I even [for the most part] stayed safely within the lines of my own lesbianism. My art became cultishly Dianic [religiously feminine] in almost every way.
And so, as time has passed and I've come closer to getting to see a therapist [ah, depression], my creativity has still been here, musing over the best way to get me so inspired as to be motivated to create again. And I have been inspired to make a decision.
I will master the male form. I will practice, I will pull my hair and I will make men look feminine over and over again until I can make them look like the hulking, sexy things that a majority of women see them as.
So, look for it. Look for the first piece, because I already have an idea spinning in the back of my stubborn brain.
As a side note, I miss you all, and although I won't return to deviantart, I will retain my website and update it when I finally succumb to the addiction of pixel art again.
Gentle Breezes & Uplifting Emotions,
Ali / Ubii / Ai
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I'm afraid of 21 out of 72 common fears
2 min read
*yoink*I am affraid of:
[x] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others.
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[x] heights
[x] dogs (especially BIG ones)
[ ] birds
[x] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
---
[x] being touched
[ ] fire
[xxxxxxxxxxx] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[x] the ocean
[ ] failure
[x] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[x] rats
[ ] jumping from high places (unless we're talking WoW.)
[ ] snow
---
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[x] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[ ] being robbed
[x] falling
[x] clowns
[xxx] dolls
[x] large crowds of people
[x] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
---
[ ] hurricanes
[xx] incurable diseases
[xxxx] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[ ] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[x] becoming blind
[ ] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up
---
[x] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[x] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secrets
Total: 21
If you post this in your journal, erase all the marked spots and name the journal "I'm afraid of -insert amount here- out of 72 common fears".
If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you're paranoid. <----
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you're fearless.
People who don't have any are LIARS.
Tagging:
Everyone
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